a journal

i wish people would just communicate; every argument i have had in my life, for as long as i can remember, has been a consequence of miscommunication. i am not absolved from perpetuating this myself; i know i have had long days, weeks, months, even years, and through these long periods of dread and stress, i often neglect how i feel. maybe its because i feel like i have no time to feel how i feel, or maybe i just don’t have the skills to quickly work through how i feel, regardless it eventually comes out, and it is never good. likewise, in relationships, and no, it doesn’t matter which kind, when someone does something to make me feel bad, or sad, or hurts me generally, whether that be throughout the course of a week, or a day, i used to really struggle to say how i felt; it would build up and up, and eventually it would come out, but the difference was, that i wasn’t the only person who had to deal with it. often, i felt in more intimate relationships, it may have caught the other by surprise; they maybe felt or genuinely belived everything was okay, but it wasn’t. i learned rather quickly how inappropriate that is, and how worse it can be when someone else is having a long week and they may feel the same way. truly, both of them will try and push the other off the chair.

however, i have thoughtfully practiced not doing that again to the extent that i don’t; i am rather quick (grace be given to the context) to express how i feel when someone does something to make me feel upset, now within not more than two hours i’d say; yet, it seems as though, everyone else has now started to regress, and rather do what i used to do. it feels like a karmic debt i am repaying, like most things in my life.

instead of simply explaining how they feel, they let it brew, thinking the same thing you are, while neither of you say it; in the end, both feel like victims of each other, but to the extent that they think its better to part ways than to take turns trying to understand each other.

am i wrong for thinking this.

i don’t know where to start but i will just start; i will try not to take up too much of your time.

i am sorry, i really am. i know exactly where I took my misteps, and where it led me. you have been nothing but a positive force in my life; i think for the first time someone believed in me unconditionally. i never had that before, that much love and support; without it, i don’t think I would be as far as you think. sometimes, i started to wonder if i would ever be able to be as confident or agressively pursue what i wanted without you; sometimes it still feels that way too, like i am missing a piece to my success, the person who would remind me everything would be okay. you taught me how to love, to fear, to anticipate the good and the bad; i used to run so crazy with thoughts, all of my greatest insecurities and you always knew how to keep my mind on the right things, the things that mattered. i don’t think i could do it justice to even articulate how i feel about you, and how much more it hurts to lose you.

losing you was and is my greatest failing; i lost my best friend, someone i used to share so much with, and now i feel like no one really understands me quite like you. similtanously though, i know you feel like you don’t understand me at all; the person i used to be looks foreign to you. i let myself rot from the inside out; all of my greatest fears about us, and thoughts that ran through my head, the pain i felt when you hurt me; i let it change me. i should have never let myself change, i should have embraced myself as i was and maybe i wouldn’t have done the things i did to hurt you so deeply. i have no one to blame but myself, and i am so deeply sorry for that. i don’t think i can ever forgive myself for hurting you back in the ways i did; i could have done anything else but those things irrespective of who did what first.

i wish there were more words spoken when it mattered; when we used to sit on the bench and watch the water run, or maybe when we would exchange gifts and hugs. or maybe more importantly, when we were together. when we would argue… or maybe when one of us felt hurt and disregarded; i should have done more than just sit in silence, letting the feelings of rejection and hurt fester inside me to create resentment. i should have been quicker to speak up, to voice my heart and mind, help us as much as i could.

i know you tried your best, even if i didn’t see it because my mind had already been set on hurting you back; i wish i tried when it was time to. my biggest regret is giving up on us; even now i think if i could turn back time i would sit through every high and low to experience that one more time; another moment, arguing or laughing, smiling or frowning, i would live it all over again with you, and the only thing i would change is how much more i tried when it mattered; to be not so blinded my hurt. i wish there was another chance but i don’t know if there is at this point, after all that has happened, and all i have done. regardless, i wish you all the best; i will always be cheering for you even if i am not there to celebrate it with you. you are more than capable, and will always be that person who can do more than they think. i will always have love for you, and a part of you will always exist with me.

please take care of yourself, you matter more than you think.

meow!

there has been so much happening; my past haunts me, with each step i try to take forward, it seems something reminds me of a time i should have done something right and i didn’t.

is this my retribution, am i paying off a sin? can i just move forward, or will life inevitably make me pay first upfront, like i do when i tap my phone at the kiosk lol.

idk, i have hurt people, my actions and words; i am so very sorry. it distresses me deeply, because when i am all alone, i remind myself, i have to atone for it all. i carry this burden, awaiting its payment, but it never comes; when i least expect it, when i feel safe, there’s a knock at the door, and i have no money.

i am so very sorry, i will never forget about the people i have hurt, i must pay upfront.

my tap isn’t working.

how do i feel,

i can’t say i feel anything but this abyss; sometimes i think to myself about this void that presents itself to me, it feels like a hole that can never be filled. i don’t know what it wants, but at its core, it feels like hope.

when all feels unknown, when you don’t know your next step, remind yourself why you started.

please, understand that there’s nothing more here than what you bring. every day you get up, for no reason but yourself; you want to give so much to this world, but they might not understand, regardless do your best, and spread love where possible.

live your own life, your own truth; remind yourself, “i am but a spectator, a moment; if there is a God, he knows you stand true, so keep going, don’t worry about how they see you; i am anything but evil, i want the best for those around me; i take responsibility for my errors, i take that burden, may God hold me accountable. if not i hold myself at the noose.”

for your future self, keep going, nothing is lost; leave an impact, locally always.

i need a flashlight.

this is at midnight. i have lost myself along the way to where i am right now. my genuine drive to succeed, my unbeatable work ethic that i so proudly wore, where has it gone? i need to find myself again. i have lost myself. my confidence, drive, persistence, self-esteem, outlook, optimism, whatever you want to call it. i have lost it.

i hope theres a ladder somewhere.

today is the day before school starts. i am not sure about why i feel the way i do, but i feel it, so maybe it’s just apart of the “before school” feelings. this coming school year, the 23/24 school year, is my most important school year yet. it feels like this is Allah’s way of giving me that “redo” i have always wished for, since my shortcomings in high school. i always beat myself up about that, how i could have been where i wanted to be if had just applied myself sooner, made the rights choices, been around the right people. it’s a shame i didn’t do those things, and now i feel like i’m making up for lost time, five years of lost time. i wish more people who weren’t in my position knew how this felt, maybe then they would understand why i am so obsessed with making it to where i want to go.

anyways, i am making up for lost time, but you can’t ever dodge the consequences of your actions so it’s okay, i mean i have to be okay with it, it’s needed to recover. i just hope i am able to do the best that i can this coming year. i am scared, very scared, especially concerning Calculus i and Physics 211/223. i was never good at math but, i need to do it, and i need to do it well. i guess this really is like grade 12 all over again, this time though i have the opportunity to make it where i want, i just have to deliver now.

this seems all too familiar.